Recently I have been experiencing many emotions. I mean a bunch of them! I sometimes feel confused about where I am. I have a family and friends in both places. Torn between what side is more me. I probably shouldn't be as worried about all of this, because of it being in a matter of time. There are two different things. One is thinking about something and the other is doing it. We have been thinking about moving to Denmark a few times, before coming here, for high school but now we have done it. We jumped into it and I feel that now I am finally realizing it and regretting some things.
I am worried about my future.
I am scared that I won't get back into ISM.
I am nervous that I will not stay very well in touch with my friends here.
I am confused about where I really belong.
I am excited to move back, but I will really miss everyone here.
I regret not blogging as much as I have hoped.
Once I get back to the US, nothing will be exactly the same. I will be older, stronger and have grown from this lifetime experience.
By coming to Denmark, I have met my "other side". I met my grandmother as my grandmother, not just the sweet old lady that we would visit during the summer. I am now close to her and I will miss her even more than when we just left after summer break. I wonder if I could have done better with getting to know her, but I think that I have done my best. I just don't want to loose her now that I have her.
At school I looked at some of the past class pictures with Ellen, one of my friends. I asked about a girl in the picture who isn't here now. She didn't seem to miss her and just said her name like: "Well she is not that important, let's move on." I hope that when a new kid comes in my class, my friends would introduce me like I was a kid in the class that was fun and awesome.
I will miss all the people that I know, and have gotten to know, here. My family, friends from school, friends outside of school, Bente and her horses and many others.
I think that going back to the states will be even harder then coming here.
I am very lucky to have one person by my side this whole time. She is always supporting me and holds my hand when I have to cross over the bridge of reality. Thank you Mom!
Speaking as on of your friends from THIS side, we are so proud of all that you are learning and doing this year. What an incredible opportunity to forge a stronger Danish side of yourself. Kudos to you, Danya! And really, it's impressive that you are able to (1) be so candid about your feelings and (2) articulate them so well. That helps people know where you are and what you're thinking and feeling. That way, you know that you're not alone. Many hugs to you, your mom, and Stell!
ReplyDeleteWe inhabit extraordinarily complex brains which tends to spin even without "us," despite our wishing for a quiet mind. Quieting the spinning, calming the noise, is one of life's great challenges. We need to be able to distinguish between "it" (spinning by itself, like an incessant radio, often negative, often second-guessing, spinning out "what ifs," perseverating) and "me." Learning to be quiet is helpful. As you've discovered, writing about the various sides of an argument, capturing the words-feelings as accurately as possible, can be an effective strategy for creating separation from the noise, which is often negative.
ReplyDeleteYou might imagine yourself sitting around a conference table having a conversation about an "issue" such as being in Denmark and/or returning to the States. You may notice that there are various points of view, not one. Encourage all sides to speak unedited, while offering your love, care, reassurance, and support. Imagine what each of the perspectives sound like, look like. You might discover there to be a very insecure six-year-old who's sobbing, scared, and insecure; and another side who's confident and saying, "look people: get a grip!"; and an opposite side who's a worrier; etc, etc. Often we experience multiple perspectives simultaneously, and exploring/encouraging each point of view, as if you were interviewing a group of kids sitting around a conference table, can be a very helpful strategy both for calming the noise, creating a deeper understanding both of the issue being tabled, and the deeper nature of being a human being.
The mystery is this: who is the "you" in this cast of characters? Or are they all you? But then perhaps it is the one who is observing and recording notes who is more authentically "you."
Despite the content, conflicts offer us the opportunity to learn something very profound about ourselves and how we're arranged. Such opportunities will recur throughout our lives. Whether we lose ourselves in the drama is something we have control over. The first step is achieving some separation.
You have no control over the lottery. It will occur as it must. Worry will have no effect whatsoever.
You will return to the States, and you have a great many friends who ail look forward to your return. You will settle, and yes, there will be a period of adjustment, which I hope you observe and write about very carefully, because, like many things, it will pass as you become an American once again.
Will your return be easier or more challenging than settling in Denmark? Who's to know? You could spend many hours worrying about it, it could affect the entire spring, or you could love the people around you now, enjoy the pleasure of their company, and continue to love and care for them when you leave for the airport in late June.
The international school kids I've had the pleasure to work (they're called Third Culture Kids) spend much of their youths changing schools, changing friends, and changing homes. I think they advise: "Danya, change is part of life. Hold on to your friends. Skype! And stay in touch through Facebook, if you can."